


il y a une première fois à tout

by iknowyounow



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Canon Era, Coming Out, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-23 00:07:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3748240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iknowyounow/pseuds/iknowyounow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Never in their lives did any of them think that someday, newspapers would refer to them as The First Gay Couple of Idols.</p>
            </blockquote>





	il y a une première fois à tout

_Never in their lives did any of them think that someday, newspapers would refer to them as_ The First Gay Couple of Idols.

/ / /

Ever since the first time he heard Kim Jongin's voice saying _I don't wanna eat with that hyung_ to Chanyeol, Do Kyungsoo knew that something was bound to happen. He didn't know how he knew it, he just did.

Then, he surely couldn't tell they would be where they were now—the both of them, standing in front of an evergrowing crowd, hand in hand, against the world, quite literally—but still, he decided that hell no, he wouldn't let a kid (he conveniently ignored the devious voice telling him that said kid was taller than him, because _who cared_ ) get to him, just because he seemed to believe that– What was it that he believed anyway?

Hearing those words, he just cringed, trying not to glare at the other, who wasn't nearly as inconspicuous as he thought he was.

(And he magnificently failed, if the way Jongin winced after their eyes met was any indication of that, Chanyeol's booming laughter reverberating through the practice room.)

It was a well-known fact that Kyungsoo was one of, if not the, kindest trainee out there, always trying to do his best, keeping a smile on his face even when anybody could tell he was on the verge of crying, willing to learn, and last but not least, helpful—at least when it came to singing, or anything remotely close to that, because he had never been one to lie and clearly, his dancing skills were not the reason he was chosen as a trainee.

Obviously, every trainee knew what being one of the SME trainees meant, why they worked so hard to stay—despite missing out on their childhood, craving to see their family, hurting themselves yet not saying anything for everyone knew what being hurt led to, or losing friends, sleep, and a little of their sanity every day—and most importantly, that the chances of ever debuting were so slim ( _slimmer than Sooyoung sunbae-nim_ would sometimes say the self-proclaimed clown that was Byun Baekhyun) that the slightest mistake would smash their dream, deprive them of what they had been striving for, just like that, and they had all seen, at one point or another, what it did to have your dearest dream smashed to pieces, and really, no one wanted to go there. They were not only trying to do their best, but also trying to be _the best_ , because only the best stay, only the best debut, only the best can look back on those times and think _finally_ and _everything was worth it_ and truly mean it.

Of course, Kyungsoo was well aware of that, too, yet, he'd never turn anyone down, no, he would help them the best he could. Sure, he wasn't that innocent boy anymore, the one he was when he had first entered a practice room, ready to show everyone what he was capable of, full of hope and anticipation but also apprehension, because he'd seen, heard, felt and understood things that made him grew up faster than he'd have liked, but part of that innocence never left, and he'd just ended up being used to everyone aknowledging his kindness, or simply praising him for (quite literally) whatever reason.

Or _almost_ everyone, he should probably say.

Really, it wasn't the fact that finally, someone noted that he was just another human being, therefore not as honest or kind or _perfect_ as everyone seemed to think he was, that annoyed him (quite the contrary, actually), rather, he simply didn't understand why that Jongin guy was being that unfair. They had never even talked to each other, for god's sake! And there he was, talking behind his back as if he wasn't in a meter radius, and thus, within earshot. Did people think it was really okay to do that? Wasn't it unnecessary and just, plain rude? He didn't even know what he did wrong. Also, he wasn't one to brag, but pretty much anyone in the room would tell the other that _Kyungsoo doesn't do wrong things,_ so there! Stupid Kim Jongin.

He would have to ask Chanyeol why the other said that later. He turned to leave the room, but as his hand was reaching for the handle, he stopped. On second thought, maybe he should just act like the hyung he was supposed to be and go talk to the boy and–

 _No, screw that,_ he thought (no, he was _not_ bitter) as he watched him laugh at something (probably him) with some other trainees.

Questions spinned in his head as he left the practice room, without sparing another glance to the still laughing boys because one, he didn't care about what impolite, judging people thought about him, and two, he _didn't want to eat with that dongsaeng_ either, anyway.

(Hours later, after Chanyeol happily told him that he should seriously consider wearing his glasses even when not at home, or at least buying lenses because _someone is kinda scared of the way you look at them_ (cue his booming laughter, again), he found himself looking for a new pair of spectacles, which he carefully chose.)

/ / /

There was that guy, another trainee. Nothing special, if you took into account the fact that that practice room was filled with boys only, and that obviously, they were all trainees. But that guy, that Do Kyungsoo, Jongin had never talked to him, or badmouthed him like, ever, yet he seemed to hate his guts. There was just no other way to put it.

Every time Jongin would enter the practice room, there he was, glaring at him. Whenever he'd catch the other looking at him through the mirror, he'd just look away, as if Jongin wasn't worth being looked at. Other times, he'd just narrow his eyes as he was dancing.

Frankly, had it been anyone else, it wouldn't have bothered him that much. He was used to that by now, to random people saying that _he isn't that good anyway_ , that _it's just favoritism_ , that _see, a "pretty" face can get you anywhere_ , or just talking behind his back in general, their envious stares, their insults, or just everything that was thrown his way. Being regarded as one of SME's most promising trainees, he _had to_ get used to all of the above. If he hadn't, he'd have been screwed.

People he considered as friends (the real ones, not those people who apparently wanted something from him, whatever that was) would tell him not to listen to them, that what they thought didn't matter and that he shouldn't let jealous people's words get to him. And he knew they were right.

But that Do Kyungsoo... That was something else.

Literally every single person he'd ever talked to had spoken well of him, how he was always willing to help, never annoyed, and how he was friends with everyone. (Except him.)

So when one day, a smiling Chanyeol came up to him, telling him about how he was supposed to hang out with one of his closest friends that night and wanted him to tag along so that he could introduce them to each other, Jongin distractedly agreed. However, as words kept tumbling out of Chanyeol's mouth, he appallingly realised his mistake. He'd specifically agreed to meet _one of Chanyeol's closest friends,_ but had he known that said friend was none other than The Do Kyungsoo, his answer would have been slightly different. He'd definitely not signed for _that_.

"Kyungoo as in... Do Kyungsoo?" he asked. That was a very stupid question to ask, for there was only one boy named Kyungsoo, and they both knew it. "Uh. I don't... wanna eat... with that hyung."

/ / /

Time passed, misunderstandings were cleared, bonds created, and soon, Jongin couldn't leave Kyungsoo's side, and vice versa. It didn't surprise anyone, not really, that whenever they called either of them, the other would come, too.

None of them could really tell when, from strangers, they became friends, best friends, and then, a little more. It all happened too fast. Just like the sun warms everything in his rays' path, Jongin's wariness melted under Kyungsoo's gaze, gentleness, everything, and quickly, pieces of them were left everywhere and that was such a mess that they couldn't tell where one began or where the other ended anymore. Back then, had someone taken some time to ask Kyungsoo what kind of relationship they had, _Jongin's my best friend_ he'd have said with a sweet smile, even though he knew for a fact that best friends did not stare at the other's mouth while they were talking, all the while wondering if they would ever have the chance to taste it.

One night, when the routine that was theirs—getting up four hours (if they were lucky) after they'd turned in, practicing with permanently sore muscles, singing the same word, line, song over and over again just to get it right, forgetting what it was like to be a normal teenager, craving to see their families, seeing others' (dare they call them _friends_ ) dreams being destroyed because _we've been watching you these past few days and have come to the conclusion that you don't have what we're looking for_ and fearing to be the next to hear those words and so on—became too much, they decided to go out to drink, just the two of them.

Yeah, it was forbidden, yeah, they knew it, but honestly, they couldn't care less. (Maybe because they both knew, deep down, that what they had, or would soon have, was even more forbidden, but guess what? They. Could. Not. Care. Less.)

Turned out that ignoring the voices that kept whispering to them that being drunk near the other wasn't _that good of an idea_ wasn't that good of an idea either, for somewhere between funny stories about _my dumb neighbours and their dumber children_ , cups of soju, laughs and hiccups, lips locked. Who initiated it though, that would remain a mystery.

It wasn't romantic, with them being tipsy, and mostly, surrounded by noisy strangers. Nothing happened in slow motion either, no sparkles—it was just them, finally confirming what they both already knew, displaying their feelings to the other. Once the kiss was broken, Jongin stood up, said something along the lines of _it's getting late, let's go back hyung_ holding out his hand for Kyungsoo, who simply took it, without feeling the need to add anything.

(They didn't talk about it the days, weeks after, though one evening, as they were both lying on the floor of a practice room, alone and still slightly panting, after everyone else had left at around 4AM, they looked at each other and, when their gazes locked, something kind of broke inside, and it happened again. Just like then, they couldn't tell who leaned in first, but unlike the first time, they did not kiss because of all the alcohol they'd had or repressed feelings, rather because they wanted, needed to. At first, no words were exchanged, everything being implicitly said with each kiss, touch, look they shared that night.

"You know what this, _us_ , means right?" Kyungsoo later asked, his head resting on Jongin's chest, listening to his not-quite-steady heartbeat.

"Yeah."

"If," _When_ he wanted to say. "someone from the company hears, sees or even suspects something, anything, we won't make it to debut. If we're lucky enough to debut and it happens after that, everything will just... stop." Slowly, Jongin nodded. _I know_. "We both know how hard being here is, and... Let's face it, you're the best trainee out there, you've worked so hard to be where you are now, and I just– I don't wanna make all the efforts you've made so far go to waste, Jongin-ah, I don't wanna deprive you of–"

Jongin squeezed his waist, effectively shushing him.

"Whatever happens, happens, whether we like it or not. Today may be our last day here, or, maybe we'll last a month, a year more? Tomorrow, someone might even tell us that we'll debut soon, too. Together. Really, who knows? I don't. Neither do you. Everything's uncertain and to be honest, it kinda scares me, but just so you know, I'm willing to wait and take a chance, as long as you stay with me," he whispered, all the while burrying his nose in Kyungsoo's hair and placing a soft kiss there—how could he not? It felt so natural.)

/ / /

"'I work here every day, from 9 to 5. Wink wink.'" Kyungsoo read with the girliest voice he could muster, then turned the card over. "Oh, and there's a phone number, and... Is that lipstick? Seriously?"

The older boy turned his head to blink at him a few times, then looked at the piece of paper again, quite disbelievingly. Suddenly, Jongin was really glad Kyungsoo insisted they stayed in that night, for the sight was too cute for him to handle, and so he could, in no way, be held responsible for what he did next, that is leaning in and pecking Kyungsoo on the corner of his mouth, the smile he wore never leaving his face.

"You know, nobody really knows that I'm gay. And in a relationship," his smile grows just that little more. "With you."

/ / /

Kyungsoo finds it _a tiny bit_ ironic how back then South Korea was, and still is, one of the most homophobic countries out there, how a man shall not love another man just _because_ , how they are taught that this is not love, how wrong it is, how homosexuality is akin to disease and how, fortunately not for anyone, being gay is considered a sin, a crime almost as terrible as murder or rape for some, yet, skinship between two males or females, fanservice, or any little things vaguely related really, was more than praised among idols.

In fact, not only is it praised, but also inevitable.

Somewhere between missing their relatives, learning tough choreographies that may never be used, lyrics they don't believe in, new languages and _how to behave in public_ , among other things, soon-to-be idols were taught the basic rules of fanservice—clinging to a member, hugging, kissing, on the cheek, mouth, face, anywhere, holding hands, acting shy and everything in between. _The fans will love it,_ that's what they said.

But God, or the government, for that matter, forbid it being true.

/ / /

During practice, after they were put in a provisional group with some other trainees, Jongin often, _too_ often for him to be okay with it if he was honest with himself, noticed that a guy named Kim Jongdae (or something like that, they were the Kim Jong Brothers for everyone even though they had never talked with each other) would more often than not _casually_ walk up to Kyungsoo, _casually_ sling an arm around the doe-eyed boy's shoulders, and _casually_ laugh at literally anything that would leave his mouth. While he understood why anyone would find his boyfriend funny, he didn't like that Jongdae guy, nor his _casual_ ways near _his_ Kyungsoo.

( _Jongdae has a girlfriend_ he'd said and Jongin had had to fight the urge to flail around and demand to know exactly how and most importantly why he knew that. _We both know our singing voices are the only ones that are remotely close to what anyone would call enjoyable so yeah, we have to work together, deal with it_ had been Kyungsoo's answer when he'd told him that _the guy's interested I swear I saw it in his eyes hyung you need to get away from him he's probably a pedophile or something._ )

"Are you jealous, Jongin-ah?" his boyfriend had asked not long after that, mischievous eyes and all.

Variations of _No, I'm not_ were spluttered because he was mature, and mature people weren't jealous.)

He was jealous.

So when Jongdae started dragging Kyungsoo out of the practice room, he all but ran to the door, and blocked the way, making his boyfriend scowl. Out of the corner of his eye, Jongin could see him frowning even harder, but he decided to ignore it, because hey, technically, not seeing something meant that it wasn't really happening, right? ( _So much for maturity_ a voice treacherously whispered to him, but he chose to ignore that, too.)

"Hey there! I'm Jongin. I don't think we've ever talked to each other before, even though we're the Kim Jong Bros," he greeted as he put on the nicest smile he could muster given the circumstances (another man trying to steal his boyfriend under his nose), trying to appear as friendly as possible and not to let it show how much he wanted to chop the guy's head off. Kyungsoo's annoyed sigh told him that he miserably failed.

Jongdae blinked. "I know who you are. Everyone does. Little dance prodigy, and all that." Was it bitterness he just heard in the other's voice? "I'm Jongdae, by the way," said boy added with a small smile.

 _That was great and all but_ – "Uh, Kyungsoo." Jongdae arched a brow at that, his rudeness, but he really couldn't care less. "Can I talk to you, uh, in private?"

"Can't you wait until after we're done? Is it really that urgent?"

"No. Yes," he replied.

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, and just as he was about to excuse himself to teach the dancer a thing or two about subtlety, Jongdae blurted out, "Are you planning on confessing or something?" The guy-who-was-not-in-a-gay-relationship-with-another-trainee noticed how fidgety, nervous he was, and the words, well, they just tumbled out of his mouth.

Both Kyungsoo and Jongin tensed after that, eyes frantically searching the other's because _does he know something? are we screwed? is he blackmailing us?_ but Jongdae seemed to miss all of it, and the dancer was the first to snap out of their panicked daze, laughing it off. "How could you?" he mock-sighed. "Now, he won't be surprised! If I don't make him my boyfriend, it will be your fault."

"Ah, sorry! My bad," he laughed, then vaguely motioned behind him. "I'll go now, then, good luck with that. You know where to find me when you're done, Kyungsoo."

A wink later and it was just the two of them. Just as it should be.

Kyungsoo narrowed his eyes at him, mumbling, "Way to be obvious." Jongin opened his mouth, words already on the tip of his tongue, ready to be told, but the shorter refrained him from doing so, "Shut. Up."

"But– I haven't said anything yet!"

"Exactly. I don't wanna hear you being jealous." Once again, Jongin tried to talk, but Kyungsoo would have none of it. "Yes, you are. Stop. Being. Jealous."

Ensuring that nobody was paying them attention, he brought his index and middle fingers to his mouth, kissed them lightly, and quickly placed his hand on Jongin's lips. "I'm yours, remember?" he whispered. There was the ghost of a smile on his face, and they both wished they could be alone, just for a moment. "Now, go back to practice."

With one last glance, Kyungsoo left him, probably to find Jongdae, except this time, the nagging feeling was nowhere to be seen.

/ / /

Straddling Kyungsoo's waist, Jongin trailed slow kisses down his neck (never more, because they couldn't afford to leave _anything_ on the other's skin), and, when his lips brushed that one spot right between his collarbones, causing him to tilt his head to give Jongin even more access, he chuckled slightly. Then, he got an idea. Licking his way up to his left ear, he took his earlobe between his lips, gently sucked on it, and then, slowly releasing it, he whispered, " _I'm a wolf, ah ooo. I love you._ " Kyungsoo hit him.

"If you're really going to use lyrics _right now_ , then at least choose the decent ones," he hissed.

Thinking hard, he furrowed his brows, looking up at the ceiling—probably thinking that the answer was written there. And seconds later, apparently proud of himself, he smiled, " _Call me baby, babe, call me baby._ "

"You're stupid. Get off me," he said, sighing.

Jongin gaped. " _You hurt me. Someone call the doctor!_ "

"Kim. Jongin."

At this point, pretty much the whole world, maybe even the whole universe, knew that you'd better not mess with Do Kyungsoo when full names were involved.

"Okay okay, I'm going," he sighed too. Then, at the door, he turned back again. "Hyung?" Kyungsoo, who was now holding a book, narrowed his eyes, as if he knew what was coming—and he probably did.

" _XOXO,_ " he singsang as he ran out of the room, laughing.

(Later, after Sehun had texted him, saying that _jongin needs u hyung_ , Kyungsoo finally found him, alone in one of the practice rooms, back against the mirror. He had closed his eyes, therefore did not see him entering the room, and was quietly sobbing, and the way his hands were holding his waist told him that he'd hurt himself. Again. And seeing him there, alone, biting the bullet, told him that he didn't call anyone because he didn't want to bother, he didn't want to make them worry about him. _Again_.

Kyungsoo walked up to his boyfriend, kneeled in front of him, and slowly reached out, putting both hands on Jongin's cheeks. The unexpected gesture made him start a little, staring at him with wide, distraught eyes at first, but then he relaxed, leaning into the touch.

" _Baby don't cry,_ " Kyungsoo softly said as brushed his still sweaty bangs off his forehead, after he was done wiping his tears away.

Jongin was still crying, yes, but the smile he wore on his face then was so bright, Kyungsoo swore that somewhere above them, the sun was dying of jealousy.)

/ / /

"Guys..." Kyungsoo hesitantly stood up, biting his bottom lip. "Jongin and I have something we wanna tell you."

He looked to his left, where said boy was still sprawled on the couch, seeking comfort. Somehow, standing on stage in front of thousands of people did not faze him one bit, at least not anymore, but this, telling their bandmates, their closest friends, that they were in a relationship, what's more _together,_ was harder than he'd expected, and meeting Jongin's eyes, full of reassurance but mostly adoration wasn't at all what he had expected, so he just kind of forgot everything he was going to say.

Joonmyun, Minseok and Yixing urged him to continue, a small smile on their lips; Luhan was trying not to laugh because Sehun kept whispering (probably dirty) things in his ear; Tao somehow cutely tilted his head to the side, waiting for his next words, Wufan appeared as disinterested as ever (but he was actually listening intently, they all knew it was just his default face by now); Baekhyun was telling Chanyeol off and to _fucking behave because Kyungsoo's talking and you can take a piss later, you ass_ and Jongdae simply arched a brow.

"Uh..." he trailed off.

Someone sighed, and then, "You don't have to say it, we know it already."

(Kyungsoo swears he could have heard a pin drop at that moment.)

"How?" he asked, eyebrows rising so high they disappeared behind his messy bangs, while the other preferred to loudly exclaim, "What!?" Jongin had always been a bit dramatic.

They both looked at the ten other persons present in the room, one at a time, each one of them sporting a sheepish, content and/or mischievous smile.

Jongdae, who was the one who'd talked just seconds before, added, "Eyes don't lie. Muffled sounds at night don't, either. Why do you think we let you guys share the same room?" he winced. So did Joonmyun, Minseok and Yixing. "With the way you talk with and about each other, I'm surprised the whole world doesn't know already. Even Sehun noticed, and that's saying something." He skillfully dodged the cushion that was sent his way. "I think nobody said a thing because– Why didn't we say anything again?" His question was answered by nine shrugs. He shrugged too, "Nevermind. Anyway, _I_ knew back then. In the practice room."

Kyungsoo didn't need to see Jongdae's wiggling eyebrows or hear his suggestive tone to know what the boy was referring to.

"Stupid Jongin," he mumbled under his breath because that's what the other was, and also because hey, had Jongdae said anything at that time, they most certainly would not be there to talk about it.

Joonmyun finally spoke, "You know, as long as nobody else hear about it, that's okay with us."

"But please, please keep the PDA to a minimum. We all know you can get some literally anytime you want, don't rub it our faces, and this is coming from the _oppa who's too pure to know what sex is,_ " Baekhyun sweetly says, and everyone either nodded, or hummed in approval.

"Also, do not make eyes at each other. You're disgusting enough when you hold hands thinking nobody's looking."

Kyungsoo scoffed.

"Like you're one to talk, Oh Sehun," Jongin grumbled.

"I beg your pardon?" the maknae haughtily said.

The conversation went on. Hugs were given, laughs echoed in the room, _congratulations!_ was said (or rather yelled) numerous times, and tears were definitely _not_ shed by Luhan. _My eyes are sensitive, there must be something in the air_ was what he said, with red, watery eyes.

/ / /

Kyungsoo, unlike Jongin, wasn't known for his jealousy nor his possessiveness, but it happened a week ago or so.

The Last Straw.

Being part of one of the most famous boys bands in Asia (and possibly in the world), working in one of the biggest companies, of course, the members were repeatedly involved in dating scandals, which, most of the times were just made up by some stupid individual (they didn't deserve to be called journalists) who thought that they'd make a lot of money if they wrote something about how _that EXO member was spotted holding that girl's hand two hours ago, congratulations to the new couple!_ —and to Kyungsoo's utter dismay, it worked, because people bought it, literally and figuratively speaking. People liked those scandals, they liked knowing something bad happened, as long as they were not involved, that was just their way to feel reassured.

Presently, Jongin was rumored to be dating a girl he'd supposedly met months before. Several EXO members had been involved in yet another car accident then, Jongin was in an unstable mental state, and that girl had been the reason he got better. Bullshit. Kyungsoo wanted nothing more than to find the brainless ass who wrote the article because Jongin didn't even know his so-called girlfriend—and his source was more than reliable, thank you very much.

This time, the article was nothing big (he remembered how _Baekyeon_ shook the kpop planet years before, and really, those two dating scandals were incomparable, mostly because one was real while the other was as fake as Jongin's feelings for the girl), just a few photoshopped pictures published by a new tabloid newspaper that wanted to know what fame was, and quickly. It was nothing the company couldn't handle, and with the omnipresence of typos, nobody would take the article seriously.

Still, it stirred something deep inside Kyungsoo, and that was when he decided that enough was enough. He wanted everyone to know that Jongin was his, and that he was Jongin's.

(Said boy wasn't against the idea.)

/ / /

"What is the thing you regret the most?" Kyungsoo asked, stroking Jongin's hair.

Distractedly, he replied, "Becoming a trainee."

The hand stopped. He opened his eyes, Kyungsoo's hurt expression making him curse under his breath because _implications_.

"No, not like that!" he all but screamed. "Alright, this may sound cheesy, but it's the truth, meeting you is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I just," he paused, visibly searching for words. "I just wish we did under other circumstances. I'm not stupid, I know we wouldn't have if it weren't for the both us being trainees, but I often wonder what our life would be like if we were just two regular teenagers falling in love like nobody's business, if I could take you out whenever I want to, going to the movies or just... holding your hand in public," he smiled a little. "Maybe even kiss you in front of old people just to watch their scandalized face, and then laugh it off together." The smile slowly faded. "Those are things I'll probably never be able to do. They are everywhere, Kyungsoo. Every-fucking-where, following us, waiting for us to make even the slightest mistake to bring us down. We can't do a thing without the whole damn world knowing, they know everything, and i'm scared that sometimes, they also know... what's in my head? That you're in my head? I know it's stupid, I know, but they just– It upsets me so much, knowing that I won't be able to do any of those things with you, because God knows that's what you deserve, not just being stuck with SM's supposedly best dancer, not being stuck with... with me."

His voice broke as tears started to roll down his face, and Kyungsoo (who was already crying at this point) just overlooked his own sorrow to cradle the other in his arms. He hadn't known that, how much Jongin was suffering, what he was really thinking about their situation, _he hadn't known_ , and it hurt him so much.

"It's not stupid. The media's pervasiveness, the lack of privacy, those are things that have led to some people going nuts, you know?" he sighed. "But, you don't understand, do you? I love you, Kim Jongin, I really do, and I don't need fancy dates, the 'whole damn world' knowing or scandalized old people to know that. Do you know that without you, I probably wouldn't be here now?" Jongin looked at him with horrified eyes, and he quickly added, "No... Not like that. I mean, this, being a trainee, then an EXO member. If it weren't for you being there for me, helping me, loving me, I probably would have quit years ago, and I don't know, gone to college or something. But you were here, still are, and really, that's all I need."

He leaned in and kissed him once, twice, enough times for Jongin to understand that it really was all he needed.

"I don't know which strange world you must live in if you truly believe that it's you, who don't deserve me, Mr. Perfect," he said it as a joke, but it made Jongin sob even more. So, in hopes of calming him down, he whispered again and again, "Everything's gonna be alright."

(And he almost believed it himself, _almost_ being the key word.)

/ / /

At one point, they had decided they should keep it a secret. They didn't really talk about it, it was just... obvious. The fewer people knowing about it meant that it was more likely to remain hidden. That's why a few people knew. Themselves (obviously), but Kyungsoo had also told Baekhyun—the guy-who-could-never-keep-his-mouth-shut, but unexpectedly, back then, his serious side had made a rare, and more than appreciated appearance; Kyungsoo knew he could trust him—, just like Jongin had told Sehun, who had certainly told Luhan—their relationship was, and always had been fishy, and he'd have asked by now if he wasn't so afraid of the answer they would give him. They also highly suspected the other members to know, too, but nobody had said anything about it yet, either because they weren't sure of what they assumed and thus didn't dare to voice their thoughts, or maybe because they simply didn't care. Other than that, no one knew what happened behind closed doors, and certainly not people from the company, they wouldn't be there otherwise.

/ / /

"Are you really sure? Like 100% sure? Aren't you going to regret this later?" he asked. "You know, once it's done, there's no turning back."

Jongin huffed, pretending to be annoyed, or well, maybe he really was, given they'd talked about this countless times before. "Were you actually listening to me when I told you that I was, that I am, willing to risk this," he didn't say what _this_ was, but Kyungsoo knew what he was talking about anyway. "everything, as long as we are together, Kyungsoo?"

Maybe it was because his fears had finally left him after the younger was done talking (except they were never really leaving, part of him would always be afraid of someone finding out, of everything they'd been striving for coming to an abrupt stop, of destroying Jongin's dream because of his selfishness to keep him, of Jongin leaving him, of _everything_ ), or the way his name rolled on the other's lips, or perhaps it was the certainty, the affection that burned in his eyes, or maybe, the overwhelming love he felt for Jongin at that moment was to blame, he couldn't tell then, and still can't now, but the fact remains that, that night, the older boy chose to respond with his body, rather than with words.

/ / /

Soon, a dangerous game began. They seemed closer than before, if that was even possible, especially when they happened to be in crowded places, or at least places where everything could easily be seen. It was nothing difficult for them really, placing a peck on the other's cheek, not-so-secretly shoving other members to stand next to each other, holding hands during a broadcast, hugging the other for longer than necessary, smiling like lovesick teenagers (that kind of was what they were anyway), or whispering sweet nothings in each other's ears, any time. _Hunhan_ had always been known as the most tactile EXO members, but then, _Kaisoo_ reached another level of skinship.

Of course, fans noticed, but no one was complaining. The staff noticed, too, but since that basically was what was asked of them, they weren't told to stop. If anything, appreciative eyes were telling them _not_ to stop.

They were doing some live broadcast so they could promote their latest mini-album, that way nothing could be edited out, when Jongin blurted out that they were an item. Silence fell on set, but Kyungsoo didn't notice any of that, his own heartbeat was way too deafening for him to hear anything else. The host seemed confused for a moment, watching them with curious eyes. Nobody really knew what was happening, thus everyone missed the panicked look on Joonmyun's face, and hopefully the cameras did, too. Then, and it happened so suddenly that almost everyone started, the girl bursted out laughing, mumbling something about how _this isn't on the fucking script_ , and then the interview started again, as if Jongin hadn't just announced that he was in a homosexual relationship with one of his bandmates.

Later, the both of them got seriously lectured because _What the hell? What was that? Yes, you're the best when it comes to fanservice, we all know that, but that was too fucking much._

(They may have failed that day, but at least, fans liked it, if the sudden increase in _Kaisoo_ fanfictions was any indication of that.)

/ / /

Quite honestly, Jongin didn't need _any_ teaching when it came to fanservice, he was a natural. Growing up with two older sisters and a loving mother, who had always protected, looked after, and pampered him, he'd witnessed every days ways of showing affection, and soon, skinship became, to him, as trivial as a simple hi was to others. Being all tactile with people, whether they were strangers of close friends, was like a second nature to him, and he didn't give it a second thought.

Kyungsoo loved Jongin, he really did, (of course he did, he wouldn't risk being in a forbidden relationship with someone he didn't love) but everytime he witnessed that specific side of his boyfriend, he cursed his (hopefully one day) soon-to-be sisters-in-law. During the short time after they'd met, and before they'd started going out, he couldn't exactly pinpoint why it aggravated him to no end whenever Jongin would sling an arm around someone's shoulders, stand too close to the person for his liking or just ruffle their hair. After they had made it to debut, each time Kyungsoo would catch him doing fanservice with any EXO member who wasn't him, he'd just walk up to him and stay by his side, holding his hand a little tighter than he would have under normal circumstances, as if trying to remind him that _hey, you should do this with me, not him._

He wasn't jealous like Jongin was, he just– Well, he didn't like sharing what was his.

/ / /

A fan gave him a post-it where _♡ Jongin-oppa~ Is Kaisoo real?_ ☐ _yes_ ☐ _no ♡_ could be read. He smirked, ticked the first box, added a _;-)_ and gave the note back.

/ / /

Being alone and face the cameras, the journalists, without the other members, Kyungsoo thought that doing that would have been quite difficult (if publicly coming out in one of the most homophobic countries out there didn't count, that is), but surprisingly, it was the easiest thing to do. At one point, Jongin had told the others that they had an announcement to make, and with Baekhyun and Sehun (and probably Luhan) knowing, it just kind of happened, and before they knew it, there they were, about to drop a bomb.

The remaining members probably knew as well, either because they'd heard them talk about it, or because they'd noticed how weary they both were of constantly having to lie, and hide one of the most precious things they had, or maybe Kyungsoo was simply not giving them enough credit, for it didn't take a genius to comprehend why, the two of them specifically, wanted to make a public announcement. (It also might or might not have something to do with Byun Baek-talkative-hyun.) Either way, they had not talked about it beforehand, yet, the other EXO members, their friends, who had struggled as much as they had to achieve that dream they all shared, chose not to prevent them from doing this, no matter what was at stake, no matter the consequences, and Kyungsoo was more than grateful for that. He knew that regardless of what was soon going to happen, they both had friends for life.

The night before, they'd decided that Jongin would be the one to speak. Sure, Kyungsoo had a way with words, and letting him talk would probably have been safer, but truth be told, said boy was scared to death. Selfishly, he was well aware of that, he didn't want to be the one who would disappoint thousands of fans that had always been there for them and announce what was sure to make tomorrow's headlines, and would possibly break them—the both of them, as well as the others, their careers, and possibly their lives. But he hadn't needed to say any of that, because then, Jongin had declared that he didn't want the hate they were going to receive to be directed towards him, that he'd rather take it, which had made Kyungsoo feel guilt, relief, admiration and love all at once, but he hadn't dwellt on it, for there were better ways to use what little time they still had as idols.

They were, obviously, doing this for themselves, to take that stifling weight off their shoulders, and maybe they were also secretly hoping that life would somehow return to normal after they were done (or at least, as normal as living as two gay ex-idols could get), but they were also doing this for all those young people (and God knew how many there were) who didn't really know who they were, who'd been taught to be ashamed of their feelings, who'd had to suffer just because of who they were, or basically any teenager, person it would help in any way. They sincerely hoped that they'd be able to look up to them and think that _yes,_ they could do it, too.

So, when the both of them were finally standing behind that same table where twelve guys had stood minutes ago, their nerves were really getting the best of them, and they'd better not forget that this would probably be their only chance, and that someone from the company could stop them at any time. Jongin was so stressed, he couldn't think straight anymore (usually, he'd joke about it, saying how _see, even my thoughts aren't straight_ but the situation they were in was far from usual), and many questions flooded his mind.

_Are we really ready to change our lives like that? Strong enough? Is South Korea ready to hear this? What's going to happen now? What about the others? Are we really that selfish?_

His eyes wandered everywhere, searching for something, anything. An answer.

_Maybe we should just... stay in the closet. And what if they try to hurt Kyungsoo? Or... What if he ends up regretting doing this?_

He gulped and looked down, unable to turn his head to meet the other's gaze.

_Or everything that's ever happened between us? What if he realises that I'm not good enough? That I never was? What if this is all a joke? What if–_

As if Kyungsoo knew what was going on in his head (and he probably did, after all, they were in this together), his hand gripped Jongin's, who turned his head to the left, only to be met with the sight of a fidgety Kyungsoo—he had a tight smile on his face, apprehensively looking everywhere, he was scared, too—but his eyes. His eyes told him a completely different story. They reminded Jongin of why they were doing this in the first place, how it would irreversibly change their lives, but how they didn't care because they knew that in the end, they'd be together, and how _I love you Jongin-ah, we can, and will do this, everything's gonna change, but not us._

Kyungsoo squeezed his hand, and turned to the crowd, "We, as in Kim Jongin and Do Kyungsoo, the human beings, not Kai and D.O, the idols, have something to tell you," he uttered in a trembling voice. "You may want to... sit down."

Hours (or was it seconds? minutes?) passed as they were met with curious, impatients and/or bored eyes, slight scowls and plain disinterest, then Jongin realised that _this is it_ and he squeezed back. One last time, he closed his eyes, breathed and when he opened them again, eyes locking with his lover's, he told himself that as long as he could drown in those brown orbs he loved so much, everything was going to be alright. And he meant it.

Gulping, he finally opened his mouth, "Kyungsoo and I are in a relationship." Pause. Squeeze. "He's my boyfriend."

 


End file.
